Another Bittersweet Christmas

Well.  Another Christmas behind me.

Another bittersweet Christmas where good times and holiday cheer are dulled by lifes sting of death.  Lindy, likely her last Christmas with us.

The day was nice.  We went to Lindsey's early in the morning to watch the girls open their presents.

Later, all were at our house.  Presents were exchanged.  Lasagna and fresh bread eaten.  Christmas chaos throughout the day.

And then, to wrap it up we visited Lindy.   It was a great visit.

She was having a good day.  Lindy is a "live in the moment" kind of girl.  She is very happy with the attention she is getting from family and especially from home health care who has promised to "be there" for her and Gene during these end times.  This, making it easier.  She does not want to burden Gene with her care.  And this is just what she needs to make this decision of not going on dialysis a right one for her.

She is being courageous and strong.  Funny and cooperative.  Acting and looking more and more like Mom.

sisters

It's been a difficult Christmas.  Memories of Christmas's past have flooded my heart and mind watching my sister's decay... and my heart is heavy.  She makes me laugh.  But then...  she makes me cry.

As we all gathered in her living room on Christmas night talking... laughing... reminiscing... I caught a glimpse of her beautifully decorated tree in the other room behind her...  the one Gene (her husband) decorated.  I couldn't help but remember the days gone by... when this old farm house came alive with Christmas.  When lights were strung from one end of the house to the other.  The banisters shined with garland meticulously wrapped around them and lights shone bright.  Presents were perfectly wrapped and bowed, sitting organized in their place below and around a fresh real tree, smelling of pine filling the air.  Talk of gifts.  What he got me.  What she got me.  What I got him or her.  Laughter.  Joy.  Celebration.  People flooding the rooms.  Fudge.  Cookies.  Christmas placemats made from past Christmas cards.  Christmas music boxes , gifts of Christmas pasts, throughout the rooms.  Christmas magic filling the farmhouse.  Love everywhere.  Happiness.  Jokes.  Sarcasm, just a bit.  Fun.

But now... a bitter truth has replaced the magic.  And though Christmas is sprinkled about the house of my sister, a tree there.... a santa hanging here... soup on the stove and a steady flow of people in and out... the magic has died.  Hearts are heavy.  Reality is no more joy and happiness for the season. But rather it is a season of winter like never before.  Cold and Harsh though the temperatures are in the 60's..  Her much loved snow has been replaced with fog and rain and overcast with sadness.  Empty hearts polished over by a pretending that everything is okay.

 Her and her husband were childhood sweethearts, and she married him at fifteen.  She has been the love of Gene's life for many, many years.  This is toughest on him.  Her love.  Her caregiver.  Her life partner.  I cannot even imagine his pain.  Please keep him in your prayers.

The past couple of nights have been worse.  It pains her to move.  She needs to almost be carried to the bathroom.  I pray her suffering is not long.  I pray for relief and peace to come soon.

Cherished memories of better days

All Too Familiar

Last year at this time my brother was dying of cancer.  It was a sad time in my life and by January's end he was gone.

This year my sister Lindy is very ill.  Late stages of renal failure.  Hospice is in every day to make her journey from this life to the next easier.  I expect that this will be her last Christmas.  This is all too familiar.

I will say I am heartbroken.  But the show must go on.  And tomorrow we celebrate Christmas and it will be a fun day for all.

Tonights Candlelight service was BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, AWESOME.  It's so like our Creator to remind me of His Love at a time when I am feeling broken inside.  

For a season in my life my sister was my very best friend.  We lived next door to one another and we shared in each others lives...

Christmas time was something anticipated for months in advance.

We had traditions.

There was lots of cookies and fudge.   Many excited kids.  New faces.  Blessings.

Laughter...

Sarcasm.  Jokes.  Lengthy sisterly talks.

After Christmas was her puzzle time.

She would take down all of her Christmas decorations and put a card table up in the back room, her puzzle table.  There she would spend the winter days putting her puzzles together.

Springtime would bring the promise of kids outside, playing.  My kids.  Her grandkids.  Neighbor kids.

And those kids could always count on her passing out cookies at one point in the day.

She loved kids.  She made times special.  She lived her life with laughter and she will leave this world with laughter as well.  I do not see fear or regret in her spirit now when we talk.  She lost her daughter suddenly last year and I really think she grieves deeply within herself and will be at rest once she has left this world.  There will be a reunion one day.  Oh, that wonderful day when God wipes away all tears.

Until that day, I will miss my sister dearly once she's gone.  My forever friend.  Please, pray for comfort and peace within the family.  Thank you all.  God bless and have a beautiful Christmas celebrating God's greatest gift: Jesus

Peace at Christmas

It's past Christmas magic that I will hold closest to my heart as time marches on.

The big red, green, blue and yellow lights.

 Steady.

Bright.

Lighting up the little dingy living room that was ours.

 Bubble lights, bubbling away.  Hot.  Big.  Colorful.  Magical.

 The smell of Christmas.

Long pine needles simmering slowly in the festive heat of bright, steady reds and greens.

Toys.

New smells.  Dolls.

Dolls with several outfits and baby bottles that give an illussion of milk being drank by the baby when I'd hold up the bottle.

Watching.  As the fake milk disappears.

Feeling all motherly.  Knowing that my baby is full and satisfied.  Wrapping her tightly in her soft blanket and holding her close.  Smelling her new plastic smell.  Savoring that moment in time.

Wishing it would never end.

Joy and happiness everywhere.

Everyone laughing.  No worries.  Knee socks filled with hard tack candy.  An orange.  Some chocolate covered vanilla cremes and nuts of all kinds.  The sweet smell of Christmas all through the house.

 Laughter.

Fun.

Good times.

Believing.

Trusting.

When life's black and white's danced with  colors bright, Christmas Magic filled the air, and there was peace on my little corner of the earth.

Saving Christmas

The house is cold.  This little four room house gets that way after the fire dies.  "It's cold in here," I whisper to my husband as he sleeps soundly next to me.  I shake him and repeat, careful not to wake the boys in the other room.  Then I gather up my robe and pull it tightly around me and go into the living room.  It's dark with just a glimmer of light peeking around the bed sheets made into curtains that hang from the double living room windows.  It's Christmas morning.  I did not want to wake up, especially after a 2AM turn in the night before.  Playing Santa after the boys go to bed can be tiring.  And the excitement of it all!  Oh, how exciting this month leading up to Christmas has been!  

I plug in the Christmas lights and the little dark living room comes alive with color.  Presents are wrapped and lying beneath and around the tree.  Presents everywhere!  The boys had a real hard time finding sleep last night.  They tried hard.  But excitement filled their heads and sleep just would not come.  It was well after eleven before Santa and his helper found it safe to work their magic.  

Tree decorated-check.  Presents wrapped-check.  Cookies and milk removed-check.  Note written from Santa-check.  Candy canes placed on bed posts-check.  Everything perfectly in its place-check.  Santa, you are amazing!

The boys are still quiet in there and I am glad.  I peer out of our front kitchen window.  Lindy is awake.  Her decorations are alive and dancing towards our house.  She always faces them our way... for the boys to enjoy.  She's good like that.  I am sure she is over there enjoying her first cup of coffee.  I am excited for the morning to begin!

My table looks festive with the red table cloth and centerpiece.  I light the candle in the middle and put fresh homemade chocolate chip cookies on a plate along with million dollar fudge.  This, our tradition.  I hear Jack downstairs shaking the furnace coals and the house almost instantly feels warmer.  I check on the boys.

"Santa was here," Jackie whispers. 

"Wow!" I say.  "He sure was!"  You should see the living room!"  

He holds tight to his candy cane, but knows that the living room is off limits till the family arrives.  

I call Mom and her and Angie will be here soon.  Lindy knows too, that it's a go.  The house gets even warmer and the sun has completed its rise into the sky and it is now daylight.  Morning.  Soon Lindy, Gene and Mike enter the tiny kitchen bearing gifts.  Following them, Angie and Mom.  The men gather round the kitchen table and wait, hopeful for battery operated man toys to be unwrapped and tested.  All the rest excitedly gather round the tree.  The boys.  The chaos.  I hand out presents.  Mom sits on the couch enjoying cookies.  Sarcastic, funny remarks are made.  Jokes.  Laughing.  Excitement.  Happy times.  

"Just what I wanted!"

"Look what I got!"

"Wow!"

Ahhhhh ~ the boys on Christmas morning.  

My wish is to lasso a plan...  an invention...  one that can capture a memory and save it within its own self.  It's own reality.   for later.    So that when today is behind me and feelings of utopia have eluded me having been lost somewhere along the way, I can draw from this day.   But who can hope for days like this to last forever?  I can.  I can hope.  And though reality says these memories will be lost in time,  I savor each laugh.  Every joke.  The richness of family.  The warmth of happiness.  The love.  For one day.... all will grow cold.  And only frosted thoughts of yesterday will remain.