It's Magic

Christmas celebration may have been interrupted by the loss of my sister this year, but God's peace has replaced the empty, sick feeling that I held onto for that first week that she was gone.  

I worried that I might have nightmares after the day of her death.  Being alone with her when she took her last breath.  

I did have one nightmare.  It was horrible.  One of those that you cannot wake yourself up from, but your spouse hears you crying out in your sleep.  I blame it on the spaghetti that I ate too much of the night before.  

Most of my dreams are good though.  Pleasant.  Comforting.  Peaceful.  Many include my sister.  

 For me, dreams are a big part of my life.  I love dreaming, especially when I can remember what I dreamed.  But I find when my mind is cluttered with doubt and unfinished business,  I often cannot remember what or if I even had any dreams.  If I take time to pray before I sleep I almost always have peaceful sleep.

Yesterday the kids came for one last round of play with the Christmas Village.  Then today, we packed it up and put it all away for another year.

I will miss mornings of magic.  Sleepily pulling myself from bed and shuffling out into a living room of brilliant blinking lights and houses aglow.  Figurines ice skating and the train waiting at the station for the next group of passengers to be whisked away to the winter carnival in the next town, just around the bend.  

Yes, my mornings will seem mundane without Christmas magic lighting up the living room, and my life.   But on the positive side, Gary (who is generally awake before me) will have one less job to do (turning on the lights).  

Ha!  He actually had it down to a science...  especially after he wired it all for remote access.  Just push the button and.... poooofffffff.... magic.

Oh, I have to tell  you this!  It is so funny!!!!  And so cute!!!!

Jasper is three.  A precious, precious child he is!  A little slow in learning and of special needs and so very trusting.

Gary hides the remote in his hand and tells Jasper that if he touches his nose the village will light up. 

 So he does.  

 Gary secretly pushes the button on the remote.  Jasper smiles with delight as the village comes alive  with the touch of his finger to his nose.  

Gary:  Now if you pull your ear like this (pulls his ear) it will turn off.

Jasper pulls on his ear and the village goes dark.  

He touches his nose again and the village comes alive.  

That boy was so excited that he had the power to turn that village off and on just by the touch of his nose or the pulling of his ear,  he kept doing it over and over again, shaking with excitement, his eyes wide with disbelief at his own powers.  

It was so very cute!!!

After church yesterday a rainbow showed beautifully over the church parking lot.  God, reminding us of his promises.  

My New Years hope is that I draw closer to my Creator 

and that His peace be with me throughout the year.  

Goodbye Christmas

Today was Take One Half of the Christmas Decorations Down Day.  All but the Christmas Village was packed away and toted to the shed out back.  It felt good.  Getting rid of Christmas.  

This has been my Christmas for the past two years:  Celebration on the outside, brokenhearted on the inside.  It takes its toll.  

It's okay though.  Every single year the fluff of Christmas fades more and more and God comes nearer...  reminding me that celebrating Jesus is the real reason for the season.  Not that I don't know that already.  But there's something about suffering loss that brings more light to the real reason, Jesus.  

And so the Christmas Village will stay up until the end of January so the kids can get their fill of play...  and then that too will be packed away.  And I will be counting down the days till spring.  Then summer.  Then fall.  And if it be God's will, we will see Christmas again next year.  

Lindy and Weather

Last Monday as I drove over the hill to spend what would be my last hours with my sister, I noted the fog.  It mirrored my feelings.  The hopelessness in my heart.  The sad that had replaced Christmas magic from just days earlier.  

Leaving her house later that day, after the death.  The crying.  The coroner.  The taking her away in a bag.  The dog lunging...  trying to get into the other room where his mama was being taken from him.    The family sobbing and holding onto one another.  The empty, sick feeling that replaced her presence.  Now, a clear sky.  Fog, lifted.  A ray of sunshine peeking through ominous clouds.

I thought about the Charlie Brown Christmas tree that decorated her table for the last couple of years...  and about how it seemed symbolic of her failing health.

The funeral home viewings brought so many of family and friends together to celebrate her life.  I learned a lot about my sister.  Things I did not know before.  I met so many people who loved her.  We shared stories and we laughed and cried.   I was living a dream.  This could not be happening.  Is it true that she would no longer be in my life?  I prayed for strength.

My sister Lindy was real.  She had a powerful personality, one that will not be easily forgotten.  She said what was on her mind, and I admired that in her.

She loved lots of snow.  Building snowmen.  Making snow angels.  Sled riding.  Playing in the snow.  She was often noted as saying that she hoped that God would put her in charge of the weather when she entered Heaven so she would be assured of having plenty of snow.

Now, I don't know for sure exactly how all that works.  Death.  Rest.  Souls.  Heaven.

But what I do know is that the warmer temps and fog and rain that had been our constant companion throughout the first part of our winter died off the day Lindy took her last breath.

As we walked out of the funeral home on Sunday night in dark and quiet of the night, snow was falling and had blanketed the earth.  Winter had arrived.  It was a bit eerie.  A twilight zone moment.

And then.  The next day, her funeral.  Blizzard-like conditions and bitter cold temperatures followed the funeral precession up the mountain and to the cemetery.  Wind whipped at the funeral tent and as everyone scurried to get out of the cold I went up and pulled a daisy from the flowers that laid atop her casket and I whispered, "I hope you're happy".

My Heaven

My sister Lindy loved my writings.  She loved it when I would send her cards and write at length about this or that.   We had in the past had talks about what we'd like heaven to be like when we die.  She would joke and say if there wasn't snow, she wasn't interested.  And so I created a work of fiction that included a character whom had a very strong resemblance to her and I gave it to her to read a couple of months ago.  She knew it was her.  She told me she loved it and it made her cry (happy tears).

An Excerpt from MY HEAVEN:

Chapter 3

God was there.  Nobody told me where I could find him, but I knew he was there… somewhere.  I felt His presence.  I longed to see His face.  And if this was indeed Heaven, then wasn’t He supposed to be on a throne of some sort?  Should Jesus be at His right hand on yet another throne?  Shouldn’t all of us Heaven residents be worshipping and bowing down to Him instead of going about our business and creating our own personal Heaven’s? 

The season of winter, which I abhorred on earth, was acceptable to me here in Heaven.  The flakes were big and soft upon my skin as I trudged my way up my sister’s driveway to her big, beautiful mansion on the hill.  I didn’t feel cold though, only a perfect warmth.  She watched from a dimly lit window above and when I reached the large wraparound porch she met me at the door.

“Come in!” she said. 

She was beautiful.  Her gown was crimson and her blonde hair was in a bun on her head with just a few curls twirling down the sides of her blushed face.  I knew right away that she had been outside in the snow…  enjoying her Heaven. 

Gina filled me in on every  detail of my sister Lily, and though I did not really recognize her from earth I still felt like I knew her. 

On earth she had died many years before me.  First she had diabetes, then her eyesight began to deteriorate and she had heart problems.  Her kidneys began to fail and she had fallen and broken her hip.  It was downhill from there.  She loved life, but her joy had left her and her eyes grew dim.  Then one day she suffered a severe stroke that left her paralyzed.  Oh how that woman suffered!  The day the angels pulled her to Heaven was a day of rejoicing for her.  But how I missed her on earth!  I missed the old times of talking for days on end about everything from soap operas to Nascar.  I missed the way she would call my children over to her house the minute she saw them playing outside in the yard so she could give them a cookie.  I missed her loyalty as a sister.  But though I did not know of her heaven at the time, I knew she was in a better place than that of her suffering. 

“It’s warm in here,” I said.  “Feels good…”

“Here, let me take your coat.”  She said.   I pulled my fluffy white coat off and handed it to Lily.  I could smell dinner cooking.

“Stay for turkey and stuffing,” she said. 

“Oh, that sounds wonderful,” I said.  “I believe I will.”

She made the most fantastic turkey dinners.  This, she did on earth as well.  Thanksgiving was her day in the kitchen and she loved cooking Thanksgiving dinner.

“I have something I want to show you,” she said.   “Follow me.”

I followed her through her spacious old-fashioned kitchen and to the back of her mansion and she opened the door.  Five big dogs came barreling in and I pulled back to let them go through. 

“They were mine, when I lived on earth.”  She said.  I watched as she sat on the floor and played with them and I felt something in my heart that was not a feeling I had felt before.  It was as though I was missing something.

“How do you know they were yours?”  I asked.

“Lorna told me.”  She said.  Lorna was her angel.  She and Lily worked crossword puzzles together every Thursday evening. 

“How nice,” I said.  The dogs were shiny, soft, and smelled of fresh lavender.  One jumped into my lap when I sat down on the divan and a tender feeling came over me.  I had held that dog before. 

“There’s a place just around the bend,” Lily pointed to her right.  “It’s called the Rainbow Bridge, and there you can collect your pets and take them back to your heaven with you to live forever in paradise.” 

“Is that where you got yours?”  I asked.  Lily shook her head.

I must have had pets before, in my life on earth.  But still, I wondered.

I asked Gina the next day if she would like to visit the Rainbow Bridge with me and without saying a word she motioned for me to follow her. 

As we passed Lily’s mansion I could see the snow still accumulating on her grounds and a snowman now sat proud and tall right outside the door, complete with a corncob pipe, a button nose and two eyes made out of coal.  Lily waved from her window.  I smiled and waved back, then gave her thumbs up.  I wasn’t sure why I was going to The Rainbow Bridge; all I knew is that there was something missing from my Heaven that I needed to be fulfilled.  

Christmas day was the last good day Lindy had.  Today I was there alone with her when she took her last breath.

I touched her forehead and joked around with her for just a minute.  I told her, this is like old times when we'd sit and talk for the longest time... just me and you.  Her breaths were shallow and her eyes dim.  I am not sure that she heard me...  but after I talked to her about her Mansion and the snow and the beautiful place she'd be going to, she took one more breath... then a pause.  Then another.  And then...  nothing.

I am heartbroken.  

Another Bittersweet Christmas

Well.  Another Christmas behind me.

Another bittersweet Christmas where good times and holiday cheer are dulled by lifes sting of death.  Lindy, likely her last Christmas with us.

The day was nice.  We went to Lindsey's early in the morning to watch the girls open their presents.

Later, all were at our house.  Presents were exchanged.  Lasagna and fresh bread eaten.  Christmas chaos throughout the day.

And then, to wrap it up we visited Lindy.   It was a great visit.

She was having a good day.  Lindy is a "live in the moment" kind of girl.  She is very happy with the attention she is getting from family and especially from home health care who has promised to "be there" for her and Gene during these end times.  This, making it easier.  She does not want to burden Gene with her care.  And this is just what she needs to make this decision of not going on dialysis a right one for her.

She is being courageous and strong.  Funny and cooperative.  Acting and looking more and more like Mom.

sisters

It's been a difficult Christmas.  Memories of Christmas's past have flooded my heart and mind watching my sister's decay... and my heart is heavy.  She makes me laugh.  But then...  she makes me cry.

As we all gathered in her living room on Christmas night talking... laughing... reminiscing... I caught a glimpse of her beautifully decorated tree in the other room behind her...  the one Gene (her husband) decorated.  I couldn't help but remember the days gone by... when this old farm house came alive with Christmas.  When lights were strung from one end of the house to the other.  The banisters shined with garland meticulously wrapped around them and lights shone bright.  Presents were perfectly wrapped and bowed, sitting organized in their place below and around a fresh real tree, smelling of pine filling the air.  Talk of gifts.  What he got me.  What she got me.  What I got him or her.  Laughter.  Joy.  Celebration.  People flooding the rooms.  Fudge.  Cookies.  Christmas placemats made from past Christmas cards.  Christmas music boxes , gifts of Christmas pasts, throughout the rooms.  Christmas magic filling the farmhouse.  Love everywhere.  Happiness.  Jokes.  Sarcasm, just a bit.  Fun.

But now... a bitter truth has replaced the magic.  And though Christmas is sprinkled about the house of my sister, a tree there.... a santa hanging here... soup on the stove and a steady flow of people in and out... the magic has died.  Hearts are heavy.  Reality is no more joy and happiness for the season. But rather it is a season of winter like never before.  Cold and Harsh though the temperatures are in the 60's..  Her much loved snow has been replaced with fog and rain and overcast with sadness.  Empty hearts polished over by a pretending that everything is okay.

 Her and her husband were childhood sweethearts, and she married him at fifteen.  She has been the love of Gene's life for many, many years.  This is toughest on him.  Her love.  Her caregiver.  Her life partner.  I cannot even imagine his pain.  Please keep him in your prayers.

The past couple of nights have been worse.  It pains her to move.  She needs to almost be carried to the bathroom.  I pray her suffering is not long.  I pray for relief and peace to come soon.

Cherished memories of better days

All Too Familiar

Last year at this time my brother was dying of cancer.  It was a sad time in my life and by January's end he was gone.

This year my sister Lindy is very ill.  Late stages of renal failure.  Hospice is in every day to make her journey from this life to the next easier.  I expect that this will be her last Christmas.  This is all too familiar.

I will say I am heartbroken.  But the show must go on.  And tomorrow we celebrate Christmas and it will be a fun day for all.

Tonights Candlelight service was BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, AWESOME.  It's so like our Creator to remind me of His Love at a time when I am feeling broken inside.  

For a season in my life my sister was my very best friend.  We lived next door to one another and we shared in each others lives...

Christmas time was something anticipated for months in advance.

We had traditions.

There was lots of cookies and fudge.   Many excited kids.  New faces.  Blessings.

Laughter...

Sarcasm.  Jokes.  Lengthy sisterly talks.

After Christmas was her puzzle time.

She would take down all of her Christmas decorations and put a card table up in the back room, her puzzle table.  There she would spend the winter days putting her puzzles together.

Springtime would bring the promise of kids outside, playing.  My kids.  Her grandkids.  Neighbor kids.

And those kids could always count on her passing out cookies at one point in the day.

She loved kids.  She made times special.  She lived her life with laughter and she will leave this world with laughter as well.  I do not see fear or regret in her spirit now when we talk.  She lost her daughter suddenly last year and I really think she grieves deeply within herself and will be at rest once she has left this world.  There will be a reunion one day.  Oh, that wonderful day when God wipes away all tears.

Until that day, I will miss my sister dearly once she's gone.  My forever friend.  Please, pray for comfort and peace within the family.  Thank you all.  God bless and have a beautiful Christmas celebrating God's greatest gift: Jesus

Peace at Christmas

It's past Christmas magic that I will hold closest to my heart as time marches on.

The big red, green, blue and yellow lights.

 Steady.

Bright.

Lighting up the little dingy living room that was ours.

 Bubble lights, bubbling away.  Hot.  Big.  Colorful.  Magical.

 The smell of Christmas.

Long pine needles simmering slowly in the festive heat of bright, steady reds and greens.

Toys.

New smells.  Dolls.

Dolls with several outfits and baby bottles that give an illussion of milk being drank by the baby when I'd hold up the bottle.

Watching.  As the fake milk disappears.

Feeling all motherly.  Knowing that my baby is full and satisfied.  Wrapping her tightly in her soft blanket and holding her close.  Smelling her new plastic smell.  Savoring that moment in time.

Wishing it would never end.

Joy and happiness everywhere.

Everyone laughing.  No worries.  Knee socks filled with hard tack candy.  An orange.  Some chocolate covered vanilla cremes and nuts of all kinds.  The sweet smell of Christmas all through the house.

 Laughter.

Fun.

Good times.

Believing.

Trusting.

When life's black and white's danced with  colors bright, Christmas Magic filled the air, and there was peace on my little corner of the earth.